shell love trust

Terror Barrier II

Posted on Posted in Photography

It didn’t kill me, so I guess that means I’m stronger.  😉

 

To recap from the previous post, I decided to face my fears and subject myself to a boudoir shoot.  My goal for the shoot was to work through my most deeply rooted insecurities, and face down my most destructive beliefs about myself.  I decided that the only way I could feel comfortable doing a shoot of this kind would be to put myself in the hands of my husband, Jason.  I wanted to see myself through his eyes, so I let him have some say over what I wore, and I let him pose me and frame the shots the way he wanted.  I set up the camera and the lighting so all he had to do was point and click to get a proper exposure.

At the time of yesterday’s shoot, I was so freakin terrified that I couldn’t think past myself.  But today I can look back on how it went and see it a little more clearly.

 

I see this exercise now, in hindsight, for what it really was: a powerful trust exercise.

Honestly, I don’t feel sexy in my own skin, and have never felt okay with how my body looked (even though in hindsight, I should have appreciated it better back before I had 3 kids!)  I try to hide what I really look like, even from my own husband.  During the summer, I can often be seen on the beach fully clothed, while my children frolic in the water.  But that insecurity comes with a price, and I know it has impacted our marriage — just by existing it creates a barrier between us, preventing us from achieving that ultimate trust and intimacy.   By putting my husband in control of this risque session, I was forced to suspend all of my insecurities and allow him to show me the ways he finds me sexy.  I thought I knew how he would pose me, what angles he would be more “into” … but I was truly surprised by what he chose.

 

The outcome of this session so far has been the following:

  • I faced my fears and insecurities (which feels amazing and scary at the same time!)
  • My assumptions about what part(s) of my body my husband finds sexy were inaccurate/incomplete
  • Watching my husband’s face as he took control of my body was an incredibly powerful experience
  • The belief that my husband would be disgusted to see my whole body for what it really is — destroyed
  • My ability to believe the compliments my husband gives me on my appearance has been restored
  • My trust in my husband has grown
  • My inhibitions around my husband are less strong, and I expect them to decrease more with time
  • My ability to see myself as a person worthy of love and worthy of my husband’s admiration has increased greatly

 

I cannot get over the look on Jason’s face during the session.  He was full on beaming.  He is a happy guy in general, but I am not sure I have ever seen him “beaming” before … except maybe when he first held each of our three babies.  It was pure love shining from his face.  It was acceptance, gratitude, excitement even.  I was totally stunned to see that reaction from him.  It went right to my core, to all the places I have always felt unlovable.  I can’t describe how powerful that feeling is, but it brings me to tears thinking about it.

This year, in September of 2018, we will arrive at our 10 year wedding anniversary.  I am so excited to hit that milestone more in love and closer than ever.

 

Let me turn this around for a minute and ask: can you imagine performing this exercise with your spouse?  Giving your spouse that control over you, then doing the same in reverse?

I think it would be a really amazing exercise for a couple to have a boudoir shoot together structured this way — first you dress and pose your spouse in ways you find most sexy, then they get to do the same to you.

How would a boudoir session with your spouse change your marriage?

I would love to hear from anybody considering taking their marriage to that next level.  Don’t put your inhibitions at the helm – take a leap and see what happens!  A couples boudoir session can take many forms, this is just one option.

 

But, if you’re wondering, no, I still haven’t been able to bring myself to look at the pictures.  It’s going to take some time for me to be ready to see them.  Maybe tomorrow.  😉

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *